To Apologize or Not to Apologize

To Apologize or Not to Apologize

By Rev. Lonnie C. Crowe

When it comes to apologies, we live in a confused and often confusing world.  We are puzzled about when to apologize, when not to apologize and how to apologize.  Scripture instructs us on the importance of the reconciliation that can stem from an apology:  Matthew 5:23-24 (NKJV):  “Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” 

When it is necessary, we must apologize.  However:

When, after a feverish day of work, it is not necessary for a shop owner to apologize for locking the doors  in order to relax, to rest and to recuperate.  The gesture seems polite, but lacks sincerity.  I love those notices that instead of offering an apology simply say, “Closed.” 

I enjoy my supermarket that offers no apology.  Instead the posted notice says, “We will be closed so that our employees can enjoy the holidays.”

When a local fast-food store apologized for no longer accepting checks, I told the manager, “You don’t have to apologize for having the wisdom to protect your business from check fraud.”

Also, we do not need to apologize for things over which we have no control.  One thing over which we have no control is the behavior of others.  If my child acts out in school, it doesn’t help if I tell the teacher that I am sorry of the child’s behavior.  It is much more helpful to work with the teacher in guiding the child into wiser choices.  One step in that guidance is for the child to understand that he or she is responsible for the behavior and needs to apologize.

Early in my teaching career, during the turbulent times in the 1970’s, students in the high school where I taught held a rather innocuous sit-in during the lunch hour and missed the first class of the afternoon.  The principal administered an appropriate reprimand and punishment.  I don’t know how other parents handled the situation, but one mother understood the importance of apology.  She came with her daughter after school, visited each of the daughter’s teachers and the school administrators, and stood in the back of the room while her daughter apologized to each of us for the disruption and promised not to become involved again. 

Furthermore, I cannot apologize for the intolerable beliefs and behaviors of my ancestors.  I am not responsible for their actions.  My responsibility lies in not embracing those objectionable attitudes and actions.

We do need to apologize when we have behaved unwisely.  But a flippant “I’m sorry” is not an apology.  In addition, we should follow the advice of Benjamin Franklin who said, “Never ruin an apology with an excuse.”  In fact, an apology accompanied by an excuse is not an apology.  It is poor behavior looking for an opportunity to reoccur.  Neither the devil, circumstances nor other people cause our bad behavior.

An apology requires that we take ownership, understand that we have erred and, as much as is possible, make restitution.  

A sincere apology will include repentance.  Repentance requires a change in our thinking.  Romans 12:2 (NKJV): “And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.”

When we realize that our unwise attitudes, words and behaviors are hurtful and offensive, we must shift gears, offer no excuses and make an effort to change.

Romans 12:18 (NKJV):  “If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.” However, I do not need to give up Christian principles and truth nor apologize for them in order to keep the peace.